Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Insomnia

*Warning - Unethical content in this post.

Trickles of sweat were tickling his temple as he sat on a bench alone, on a humid night, in the dim university campus, simply pondering on the sleeping trees.
He almost envied these trees for their ability to just sleep, uncaring of the outside elements of this world.
The trees' nakedness wasn't hindering them from the pleasure of exiting life for a few hours and returning on the mornings to resume their works.

A grin then escaped his lips. "I need to see a psychiatrist," he thought.

20/6/2011
"Chub wala kelma!!"
"Ya S3oud, mu ana elly yengally chub, mu ana."
"Btasketeen wella shlon?, Menu entay A9lan?, Who the fuck are you?. Ga7ba, ga9ait 3alaiha bkelmetain, Necht-haa, O Al7een Lo ta7lem ma ra7 tetzawaj men 7atta zabbal bangaly!! Tgouleen 'mno ana?' Entay wala shay, WALA SHAY."
Tears were beginning to form in her eyes, as she gathered her bra and panties, without even caring to put them on. She quickly zipped up her dress and slammed the door as she left.
S3oud simply continued sipping his scotch.

21/6/2011
"Just released, a police report just affirmed the death of a 19-year old female Kuwaiti student at the deceased's apartment in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. The report said, 'Sarah Al-Thamy committed suicide by over-dosing on Vicodin, a pain killer.' The investigation is going as to why Sarah killed herself. Police never found a suicide note." ABC News.

S3oud's insomnia kicked in.






Not in anyway is this a true story. Names are fake.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

7 Months.

It has been around 7 months with me being in boring old Kansas. Studies aren't that great, well I have never been the study type, add to the fact that comprehending both calculus and chemistry is a difficulty I'm facing.

Life is good, yet I still didn't meet the right person for me to spend the next 3 years with in America. I'm referring to an American girlfriend of course ;). Nobody is noticing my beauty :(, bess wait for it.

Ma Wa7asht El Dar?

I miss Kuwait very dearly. Life here is not bad, but the comfort of home is longed for. Being asked about, knowing whats going on and sharing the grieves and happinesses with the family is something my heart aches about for not having.

And I miss writing. The inspiration is almost non-existent.

And believe it or not, my english is getting worst in America. Nobody is stimulating any intellect in my system, and everybody cares about drinking, smoking and possessing the best ass in Manhattan as a companion. That's the vice of being in a university town.

I went to Adele's concert dudes and dudettes. Something I'm bragging about although I know just a few of the lyrics in one song she sings.

Twitter has been gone in the last 2 months, as I was planning to 'concentrate' on my summer course, yet I believe it came to no positive avail, grades have barely gotten better, but they're better which is a good sign.

Its my exams period right now, and I wish I would do well and get the fuck out of here for a change.

Oh how much I miss blabbing around here, so Anony would comment and Zifny ;).

O Wait, let me dedicate a song to someone that may be reading this.

كنت أعرفك لما كان الحب يعرفك .. كنت أعرفك لما كان الطيب وصفك ..
كنت أشوف الدنيا فيك .. كنت أحب خوفي عليك ..
لكن إنت اليوم ثاني .. جاحد و قلبك أناني .. و السؤال عني يكلفك ؟ يبا كنت أعرفك ..

Well I'm not dedicating it literally because it doesn't really explain what I feel, bess inna its playing on my itunes now .. Lets continue ;p ..

عد و احسب كم عذرتك و كم عذر خليت عده ..
و عد جروحي من عرفتك .. و لا جرحي صعب عده ؟ ..
و أبعدك عن كل شكي .. و أنجرح و أسكت ما أحجي ..

Why is it that I'm feeling sad right now. I feel that, a select few that really care about me, which is sad La2ana y3ny, you'd think that you'd be cared about, bess inna la2, I don't feel it.
O I'm sad la2ana there is nobody that I really care about right now, nobody to share my emotions with. Just this blog and the occasional, although starting to be the rather frequent ciggy.

Such a liberating feeling to be able to write all of the random none sense that predecessed this sentence on a laptop's keyboard. And it doesn't require any energy at all, but a few minutes of worthless, misused minutes.

Till another, date-unknown, post, Tata.


Monday, May 9, 2011

Starbucks 8

*Warning* - Unethical content in this post.




Infatuation was the prime sense that seized Yousef's mind, heart and soul. He was intoxicated by that powering feeling, yet he did not resist its presence. He welcomed it and embraced its existence in his system, in his life.

A while went by, after that acquaintance, before he remembered that he noticed something different in Dalal's appearance. He recalled that he loved that variance in her, but it tormented him that he could not pin-point that change. It was absolutely excruciating on Yousef.

He sat there, at the same Starbucks, at the same green table, where he met Dalal the second time, on a beautiful Monday morning. Yousef convinced himself that he was there, again, to wait for 5aled to wake up, after a another partying night in Dubai, yet he could not take away the idea that he might meet her again and witness that beauty before his eyes.

As he sipped his regular white mocha, Yousef tried hard to relive those 5 minutes of his life. He thought to himself, as he realized how enchanted he was by her, about how ridiculously fast was the time for him to fall in her charm.

He sat waiting, and imagining for two long hours.



7amad was enjoying his last free day in Kuwait, before he goes back to the army's training camp on Monday. Sitting in the Derwaza Cafe, smoking the grape flavor which he always loved and eating a shitty burger for breakfast made by the lousy morning staff at the cafe, he fondly remembered how much he missed his friends' presence there.

7amad, although a failed graduate from a private English school, never forgot his bedouin heritage. But on the contrary, he tried to make it a part of his life. His love for camels and the desert never left him, and he was exceptionally extraordinary in poetry. 7amad always entertained 5aled and Yousef with his poems that were brilliant, and could compete with the best of poets, despite his young age, however, his military duties compelled him and his poetry to never see the daylight of publicity.

After finishing his meal, he decided to call Yousef.

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28/12/2009 12:32 pm
Yousef was startled by his loud blackberry indicating to him that he had a phone call. "Aloo?"
"Hala BuYa3goub, kaif el 7al?"
"7maid? 3ash men sema3 hal 9ot, walla b5air 6al 3umrekk, Ent shlonekk, shemsawyy?"
"Wallah b5air, yserrik el 7al? Shfeeh 9otek ya 5ooy? 3asa ma shar?" 7amad noticed a difference in Yousef's voice.
"Ma shar, ya 5ouk, ma shar, bess tadry, Eddenya o balaweehaa" Yousef, although rarely spoke out his feelings, wanted to disclose some of the emotions in him.
"Esma3 wana o5ouk, goully shelly m'9aygekk o Inshallah, el 7al 3endy." 7amad pounced on the opportunity to glance inside Yousef's heart.
"Ya 7amad, tara shakly 6e7t eb mushkelat 7ub." Yousef exhaled in comfort whilst confessing that fact to 7amad.
As he heard that sentence, 7amad exclaimed, "Wana o5uu Lulwa, Yousef yenjeber?"
"Ee wallah ya 7amad, sheft shlon?"
7amad never believed in love and before letting Yousef continue he said, "Esma3 ya Yousef, hal 7mara elly 5aletek mahmoum ketha ma teswa. O esma3 hal baitain elly thekart-hum, wana asma3 saleftek ya Bu ya3goub."
7amad started reciting on the phone,

تكفى يا بو يعقا ترا خاطري ضاق .. ما عاد به ناس تصون المحبه ..

كل ما عشقت, الوقت يعطيني طراق .. يقوللي صحصح؟ علامك؟ تنبه؟ ..

إنت بزمن ما فيه عاشق و عشاق .. هذيك تفرك كسها و ذاك زبه ..

أبي لي حب عذري مثل شمس الاشراق .. حب الذي في دنيته خاف ربه ..

ما يهمني لو آخره يآتي فراق .. الحب جرح القلب و الخل طبه ..


"9a7 lsanekk ya 7amad." Yousef was amazed by how related he was with that poem.
"9a7 bdenek ya 5ouy, o 9addegny taraha ma testahlek ya BuYa3goub." 7amad still did not understand Yousef's situation.
"7abeeb alby ya 7amad, mashkourr Yal '3aly."
"elmohem, el dector janbekk?"
"La walla, Lail7een bel fende8, shaklaa nayem."
"Zain zain, el wekad ana asta2then al7een ya 5ouy, O tredd bel salama, wala tkadder 5a6rekk."
"7abeeby, mashkour, o allah ysalmek men kel shar, bye." Yousef teased
"Shno bye, esta7, Ma3a El salama."
Yousef smiled at how 7amad never forgot his culture. He was satisfied by 7amad's call and thanked God for his presence as a friend.



7amad used the opportunity of 5aled's seclusion from Yousef and gave the med student a call. 5aled was asleep.
"Aloo," 5aled grunted, disturbed by the phone call.
"Hala Buwaleed, Kaif el 7al?"
"Minu?, 7amad?"
"3ajal minu? Ga7betek?"
"Hala bel zain, shlonekk yal 5ewee?" 5aled still has last night's wild effects in his system.
"3alamek mraffe33? Shsawait el bare7?"
"Masawait shay, la tsaweelna suwalef."
"Elmohem ya Dector, 5eweeyekk Yousef kalamta gabel shway, kan metkadder. Abeek, wana o5ouk, traffe3 men jawwa shway. 5allah yestanes shway b-hal safra. Fahem Shagoulek?"
5aled almost fell in a snooze, listening to 7amad. "Ee, Ee weyyak."
"Ee, waddah hal 7aflat, o eshbeka ma3a wa7da, la t5alleeh brou7ah."
"7a9'er, Taamer Amer Yal 5ewee."
"Yalla, Ma Tshouf Shar, salaam."

After hanging up with his friend, 5aled contemplated that idea. He liked it, and planned on making it happen. "It is gonna be a wild fuckin week in fuckin DUBAI." He thought to himself. Smiling.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Starbucks 7

Regret began to infiltrate Yousef. The past two nights of drinking started to build up guilt in Yousef's conscience.
The reason why he drank was also cracking into him.
He drank because he thought of a girl that bewildered him. A girl that he saw just once, and could not take her off his mind. How could he do that? Why would he do that?

And now, here she was, heading towards him with a white paper cup, looking ever so fascinating. He met her again, at another Starbucks in another city, yet the effect was exactly the same.

Mesmerizment.

Hatred was the other aspect of his feelings. He hated the bars, he hated his mentality, he hated his lack of faith. He realized how big of a mistake drinking was. Not only to him, but the shame that would be bought to his family, if anybody knew.

He hated how he honored his late mother. He honored her by getting wasted.

The girl that made his heart beat faster with each step she takes to approach him shouldn't be forgotten through drinking. The girl that thrived with confidence, as she strides through the cafe, should be remembered. That girl, thought Yousef, should be loved.

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27/12/2009 9:12
"Shfeek?" Said the girl, as she seated herself opposite of Yousef and noticed the different, grim expression on his face.
Yousef quickly adjusted his mindset and offered a genuine smile to her direction, "Mafeeny shay, 6al 3umrech, bess kent ga3ed afakker bsha'3la." Replied Yousef truthfully.
"Ahaa, my name is Dalal by the way." Said Dalal, as she returned the smile to Yousef.

Dalal & Yousef

"3ashat el asamy Dalal," he replied, "Wana esmy Yousef."
"O ne3m a5 Yousef."
"Allah yen3am b7alech, 6al 3umrech."
"Ee, O Shga3ed tsawy B-Dbay Mr. Yousef." Said Dalal with a playful smile, to try to break the ice.
"Walla, just partying out the engineering stress with a friend."

That innocent beauty.
That excruciatingly pretty smile.
Those eyes. Those indescribable eyes.

"Yousef, Yousef." Dalal called, interrupting his thoughts.
"Hala, 6al 3umrech, aamray." Yousef noticed that she was talking to him whilst he stared blatantly, straight at her eyes.
"Wain sera7t?" Although that was the second time she ever saw him, she felt comfortable asking him that question.
"Haa, laa walla, bess y3ny don't get me wrong, your eyes mashallah, wayed 7elween."
A blush escaped Dalal's cheeks. "Thanks." The reply was formal, yet that wasn't what she was feeling.
Before saying anything else to regain himself, Dalal continued, "El mohem, I got to go, 9ar akthar men 5 minutes, o a5af my cousins y7atouny, nice chatting with you Yousef, o hope to see you soon."
As she started to stand up from her seat, Yousef looked up and asked confidently, "And how will that happen, if I know nothing about you but your first name?"
"I'm sure I will," returned Dalal with the same confidence. "There are a lot of Starbuckses in this world."
A smile followed.
Understanding that particular remark, "Bye Dalal." Said Yousef with a grin overwhelming his face.
"Bye Yousef."

Butterflies never escaped their tummies, that day.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Starbucks 6

Those brown eyes never left his mind. He kept thinking about them, endlessly. Yousef thanked his memory for remembering them so vividly.
He longed for more, he wanted to know more. What did she like? What did she hate? Was what he looked that day good? Good for her?
Who was she?
What's her name?

Yousef was waiting for 5aled to wake up after his long, eventful night out. Morning was Yousef's time, he loved the early, fresh breeze and thought that he could think much better in his mornings. Sipping his usual white mocha, with extra espresso shots to erase last night's heavy ingestion of Jin and watched people commute in and out the cafe.

Preferring the seat outside, to smoke his cig, Yousef let his mind wander. He let his mind wander into the details of her eyes.


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28/12/2009, 9PM
"Oh it's you again?"
Startled, Yousef replied, "5air?" The face wasn't strange, thought Yousef. He knew those details, more than expected. A Deja Vu, he concluded hastily.
"Enta, the engineering guy, elly kent eb Mishref. Ee Enta."
Suddenly, the eyes began to sink into Yousef's system. She was her. "Entay." Yousef replied stupidly.
Glad he recognized her, "7asafa, there are no notes I can peek into this time," she replied with a fake frown.
Regaining his composure, he said, "Ma ye7taj yuba, a coffee is more than enough for you to have a seat, 6al 3umrech." He could not believe his own eyes.
"La, you seem to be enjoying yourself alone, I don't want to intrude, I just wanted to say 'hi'."
"Believe me, company is something very welcome with me."
"Ok, just for 5 minutes la2ana my cousins na6reeny in the hotel room, bess 5al aa5eth a mocha o ayee."
"7ayyach Allah."

Was this a start of something, wondered Yousef, as he watched her ordering from the barista?


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Starbucks 5




The death of Yousef's mum didn't really help him. The frustration, the anger that builded up in him was immense. Looking at his mum being carried from a cold room, seeing the familiar outlines of her body on top of people's shoulders, covered in a white cloth. Forced into praying in the front row of his mother's funeral. She, being so close, yet so far wasn't an easy thing to handle for young Yousef.

He was also moved by his father's behavior. Recognizing, for the first time, the weakness any human being can be exposed to. His father, the successful, wealthy, business man. The person that divorced his mother, the person that seemed to hate her, that talked shit about her all the time, was weak, fractured in her lifeless presence under that sheet. Tears never left his father's red eyes, and occasional bursts of baby whimpers were noticed by Yousef.

That was the first time Yousef was really tested by life, and it was a tough lesson that Yousef never passed.

After a period of lonesome time, Yousef, under the continuous pressure of his father to enjoy his time and get out of that depressing state, travelled to Dubai for the first time without his family. 7amad accompanied. A virtually unlimited cash flow was in Yousef's credit card, with the blessings of his father.

To say the least, it was fun.


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27/12/2009
"Ha Buwaleed, elyom Ay Club?" was Yousef's question, as he entered 5aled's room.
"Wallaa chinna Mal Ams Jayyed?, Mu Chithee?"
"Laa?, Ent tathker shay men Ams Allah Yhadak, 3ashan T3arf etha kan jayyed Wella La2?" Yousef joked, to start a chuckle between the two.
"Walla, La2." Answered 5aled. "A9lan nasee Esmaa ba3ad."
"Shfeek Ent Ath-wal?, Esma The Lodge"
"Yalla, 3ayal grayyeb, 5anrou7laa again?"
"Ana adree laish yal kalb tabee trou7, Hatheek elleeee Rega9t weyyaha o ma 5alait shay ma jesta feeha, shakelha mwa3detekk Ehnak?"
"Went shdarak 3anhaa?, Ana 7a6 3ainy 3alaik, ma hadait el kas, O Kent 6afee, Shlon La7a9't?"
"Yuba, 5ft la teshtekee 3alaik, Lammast Ellee Aku wellee maku, Shway shway, mu chithee 3ad"
"Ya Yousef, Ent shfeek?, Hatha el fan yuba. Ent mu meshait mbacher?, Raddat Weyyay Jessica, O kanat Laila men Bed Elleyalee"
"Kiss Ummek, SHLON? Ent wain o Hal 7elwa Wain? A5af 3amya"
"Expertise yuba, Expertise?" 5aled continued, "Went Laish ma 5athait Ma 9'aba6t A7ad?, Thalatha yaw solefaw weyyak. Shfeek?, Hal yomain chinnaa el Dubai personality ellee 3endekk 6aye7 Sougaa?"
"Walla madree, 7atta rag9 ma rega9t T9addeg?"
"Shfeeek, Bess masek hal Vodka o Ga3ed?"
Yousef hid his beautiful secret from 5aled, he didn't want to share a cheesy, romantic story at this moment with 5aled. So he kept silent.
"Ahaaa!" Exclaimed 5aled. "Dam chithe El Salfa, Goum baddel, Warana the lodge, I wannaaa lodge it, in it, yuba"
"La tensa el Durex, Mu tneechly Ay wa7da, 3ala bu ennaa Sakran o matadree 3an hawa darekk Lamma tred?"
"Taamer Amer M3alemnaa, O Ba3dain Ana el 6abeeb mu ent" 5aled, Joked again.

The night was very similar to the last. Yousef kept to his drinks, with shots of Jin with Mountain Dew being the main theme of his drinking night. And 5aled, went on working his magic with the various, diverse, hot expats in short dresses looking for some warmth from december's chills on the dance floor and possibly, hotel suites.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Starbucks 4





Yousef never really loved a person before. He did have his occasional crushes in his previous school years, with gorgeously looking girls always within his sight, but never really loved a person. He respected girls, appreciated love, but never experienced it.

On the other hand, girls were all over Yousef. They were awed, by his mysterious personality. The calmness he always possessed, his well built body and his smile.

7amad, was a different story. 7amad loved the attention. He was the popular guy, and he always wanted to drag Yousef into the same kind of life. 7amad, did get the girls. He actually tossed them around, having a relationship one day, and breaking up for stupid reasons the other. 7amad was frustrated by Yousef's lack of action toward the girls that desperately longed for just a kind word from him.

Yousef was entertained by 7amad's short relationships. How 7amad would promise love and be all serious about it and shortly later, he would be dissing the girl and making fun of her, being mad. And the cycle would continue for months to come. Yousef often also offered fruitful advice to 7amad, when asked for, and they would, most of the time, work. 7amad always wondered how a guy like Yousef, with minimal experience, would know so much about girls and their lives, how they acted and how to deal with it.

"Why the fuck doesn't he date someone?" 7amad repeatedly asked.


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25/12/2009
Yousef just woke up from a deep sleep on the comfortable King-Sized bed of Jumeirah Beach's Movenpick. It was about 3:30 PM and he was hungry. 5aled would be reaching Dubai by 8:00 PM so he wouldn't wait that long for him without food. Showering in the white bathroom, and went down to 'The Walk' to look for his favorite Indian restaurant, Indian Palace.

Whilst eating, a brilliantly cooked Beryani, Yousef was thinking about that previous sighting.

Where Was she heading?
Who was with her?
Why the fuck is she so gorgeous?
Why am I still thinking about her?
Did she notice me?
Is she possibly in Dubai?


He tried spotting her in Gate 21, the Fly Emirates gate in Kuwait's airport, but he didn't find her. She engulfed his mind, she was constantly there, mingling in him, infiltrating his heart. Why?

He then shifted his thoughts to what he was going to do in Dubai. Suddenly a faint smile built up on his face. Yousef was planning on having fun here, with 5aled as usual.
He then remembered 5aled's comment once in a gathering in their gahwa, "Yousef Dbay 3'air 3an Yousef LeKwait, 3'aaiiir."
The smile turned from a faint one to an outright one.

"Do you want a refill on that Heineken, sir?" Asked the waitress.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Starbucks 3




Yousef grew up in an unusual household. His parents separated when he was 10, but that didn't actually hurt him. He never thought much about it. He liked his parents together, but their continuous fights made them seem much better separated. The complications after a few years of the divorce did affect Yousef.

Yousef didn't have to move out of his house, he stayed in it with his mother. His father got another house with another wife 6 months later.
A few years after that, when Yousef was a month from celebrating his fourteenth birthday, he received life-alternating news.

Whilst in class at school, the Co-ordinator came into the class and asked for Yousef to step out and talk to him. Whilst getting up, Yousef kept recapping the day in his head to remember if he did anything stupid that required that unexpected intervention by Mr. Harry. Getting out of class, Yousef noticed a very nervous facial impression. Mr. Harry lead him to his office and offered Yousef a seat that he accepted. "Your father is going to pick you up in a few minutes Yousef," Mr. Harry began.
"Why?" Was the response by Yousef.
"Um, it seems there is some kind of emergency at home, but I know no details." The untruthful impression was responding.
Moments later, a startled maid came by and said that Yousef's father was in the reception. Yousef walked confidently, but a pinch in his heart was aching everything in his body. Curiosity was, too, eating up on him.
As soon as Yousef's father laid eyes on his son, very rare tears began pouring down his dad's eyes. Yousef was just standing there, trying to absorb what was causing all of this. Nausea is the primary feeling in his body right now. Tears were also seen on the receptionist's cheeks and the maid too.
"Baba, Sh9ayer?, Shfeek ga3ed tabchee?"
Yousef's father hugged Yousef, a very strong hug.
"BABA, SHFEEEK??" Yousef exclaimed.
Between his tears, his father said, "Ta3al el Sayara, awal shay."
Without any defiance, Yousef went to the car.
"Yousef, 3a9'am Allah Ajrekk"
More calmly, with panic building up, "Meno Tewaffa?"
"Ummek"

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24/12/2009
Yousef was entering Kuwait International Airport, with just a small carry on bag following him on wheels. He planned on spending the winter break at Dubai. Finishing the check-in process at Fly Emirates, he was glad to see the long-haired, topless, green mermaid's logo. Yousef, noticed his heart's skip of beat, as he remembered the incident 3 months ago at Mishref.
Ordering his usual white mocha, that lacked any whip, he thought back to that particular incident. Yousef learned that, even the attempt of trying to recall that day, bought joy to his heart.

That white dress,
The brown hermes bag,
That perfectly tanned skin.
That white, angelic, knee-lengthed dress,
The depth of her brown eyes, almost matching the bag's antiquity.
The courage,
Boldness,
Beauty.

A boarding call to his plane, interrupted his thoughts, and alerted him to go through to the gate. As he cleared his Starbucks' table, he sighted a familiar figure. A very recent sighting of that person was probably what made them so familiar. Yousef tried so hard to remember the name of that person.
Adjusting his sight more towards them, furry Ugs were captivating the lower part of her skinny dark-blue jeans. On top, she was hugged by a thick, heavy, grey Georgetown University hoodie.
Fixating his pupils on her long brown hair, and then on those brown eyes. Everything suddenly got much more clearer. The person that captivated his thoughts, was once again infront of him. Alone. Seconds later, a guy approached her and offered her a grande Starbucks beverage.
Not caring about the frequent 'No Smoking' announcements, he took out a dunhill, lit it up, and complained to his everlasting best-friend.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from DC.
It's snowing on Christmas morning.
It's like a dream come true.
Yes, I just arrived here, and I'm loving it.
Life can't get any better.
I'm happy.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Starbucks 2

Yousef wasn't an abnormal person. He had quite a lot of friends with 5aled and 7amad being his closest out of the bunch. The scale in which the proximity of his friendships isn't calculated by literal closeness, they're his best friend due to the basic fact that whenever he's free, he's with them. No deep, personal discussions are ever discussed with his companions.
The inability to discuss stuff with his friends frustrates Yousef massively. Venting out, in Yousef's world, is summarized in a ciggy. It's hard to find Yousef without a fag between his fingers.

5aled, an established 20 years-old medical student at Kuwait University, met yousef in a football match 4 years ago. As always, Yousef was chain smoking his Dunhills anticipating a goal by Al-Arabi football club, alone, and 5aled was right next to him at the packed end of the stadium absolutely disgusted and annoyed by the endless smoke.
5aled interrupted Yousef's absorption in the match, "Yal 3'alee, Chinna wayed tda5en?"
Yousef, surprised by the interruption, replied in a mannerly way, with the infamous phrase, "Hammee, Lo shekaita 6efl, Terak 7aleeb umma o Wala3 zegara."
A chuckle by 5aled broke the ice instantly. "Wel faree8 mu msa3dekk ba3ad."
"Ee Wallah, hal kalb el mudarreb, 9arat el degeega 70 o lail7een mu mbaddel wala la3eb, Madree shno Na6er."
The exchange of words continued till the end of the game and resulted in a further exchange of numbers. Since, a seat was always reserved for the other in any game and the friendship grew more.

7amad's friendship with Yousef started at school, and they were 'best friends' since. Although 7amad took a U-turn in his education and joined the army due to his constant failing grades, but the meetings with Yousef and then Yousef/5aled never stopped. The trio bonded in their own means of interest and enjoyed the company of each other.

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17/9/2009
Yousef was at el Derwaza alone, watching a live UEFA cup match, and complimenting it with more drags and puffs of his cigarettes. He was awaiting the arrival of 5aled and 7amad as they always meet up here at the weekends. 7amad would come back from his training base and 5aled finishes his studies and comes here for some relaxation time.
Yousef tried to concentrate at the match, but the thought of that angelic stranger that sat at his seat would always come back gently to his mind. He couldn't get her out of there. He was actually contemplating the idea of maybe going to starbucks and maybe finding her there.
Yousef was then interrupted by the arrival of 5aled. 5aled noticed something different about Yousef. He was astray, not his usual self, especially when watching an entertaining match.
"Bu Ya3gouub, Tara el mbara 3-3, shfeeek sar7aaan??"
"Haaa?" Confused, Yousef was surprised by the result. "Shfeenee Ana?" He thought to himself.
The day continued normally after that, but he still couldn't shake her out of him.
And he lit another cigarette.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Starbucks 1

Days were ordinary for Yousef. Very ordinary. Engulfed by his studies at ACK, Yousef was trying to prove everybody wrong.
To prove that life, although endlessly cruel, is a beatable thing.
To prove that miseries and woes piled on upon him, could be dissolved and hidden, although only temporarily.
Life for this, 18 year-old, was simply dragged in and puffed out through his Silver Dunhill treasures.

He also found another outlet to hide himself from life. Studying. Yousef found peace and tranquillity in placing himself regularly near the left window of Mishref's well-known starbucks. Over-studying himself.
Getting that engineering degree was Yousef's idea to the route of freedom. Freedom from the shackles of life. Freedom from the chains of his ever-lasting miseries. Freedom from everyone.

.
.
.
.

16/9/2009
Yousef was roaming Mishref Co-Op getting a routine ciggy break from his studying, holding a paper cup of the cold white mocha he ordered an hour ago and drinking the remaining sips of it.
As he crushed the bud and returned to the packed coffee shop, he was surprised by a foreign presence at his seat.
A girl was seated on his chair and seemed to be looking through his notes. Yousef did not recognize her.
Meanwhile, Yousef did recognize that she was a beautiful girl. He felt somewhat fortunate.
The girl, was dressed in a knee-length white dress complimented by a brown bag. Yousef also noticed how perfectly tanned her skin was.
"5air?" Yousef faking his impatience.
Surprised, the girl hesitantly but softly replied, "Walla sorry, mu 8a9dee. Ana yait o ma legait mukan o enta mukanekk fa9'ee, fa gelt ag3aad o a5ale9 my drink o amshee"
"O notatee?!, You're going through them e5tee."
Comfortable with the English, she fluently returned, "I study engineering, O well, la7a9't inna you do too, so I took a look. Bess Sorry, I really didn't mean on intruding."
With that she stood, faintly blushing, and apologized again then left swiftly.
Yousef, adjusting himself back to the seat was simply mesmerized.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Looks!

Glimpses of hope.
A stare, a look. A very quick look.

Eyes meet.

Eyes leave each other, with regret preceding their next action.

A 'hello'.
A 'hi' back.

That's it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Ra7altay ..

Poof!
Just like that.
Leaving me alone, lost in my thoughts.
Overwhelmed, bewildered, astonished.

2 Days later

160
Hints of a tear began to form as I drove back home.
3araft el nas wel denya, Nader el wefa feeha, Rwaished's meaningful lyrics piercing the depths of my heart.
180
Two sleepless nights and a sickening diet's toll are already in action. No energy whatsoever.
The VW's churning engine's sound effects failing to match Bu5aled's beautiful performance in this classical oldie.
220
I seemed to be for once in control, the road completely my own. No back-stabber. No unfaithful.
No love.
240
Atharee kel ma geltay kalamen fe kalam
A quick thought of her managed to infiltrate me.
260
A blast.

0
3ala Eddenya el Salam
The last thing my mind processed.



10/11/2010
She was back.

Monday, September 13, 2010

USA

In a couple months time I'll be tweeting from Uncle Sam's pad.
I got accepted in Civil Engineering at the United States of America by the Ministry of Higher Interior.
Now the thing is, what university should I go to?
I've been impresses a lot by Penn State University, but I do have a lot of other options.

I really regret the fact that I'm not going to be stationed in England.
Also for the fact that I won't be studying Political Science, but then again, this is life. I'll try to nurture whatever I got that needs to be preserved and hopefully pursue a related career.

3eedkum Mbarak By the way.

Anony still awaits her long forgotten 9ou3'a .. Which I'll try to bring in for her anytime soon.

Saher el Lail!, That's me :( ..

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Future Engineer?

I just applied at the Ministry of Higher Education for a scholarship to London, and unwillingly listed 4 wants of 3 different typed of engineering.
Come kill me right now.
I despise anything related to maths/physics. And I'm shoving myself into just that.
7asayef!
Malee 5lg Akamel Ketaba ;p ..
Too lazy ..
Too Fat .. ;p . .

Friday, August 13, 2010

Solidaire Memoirs

27/7/2010 23:55
Downtown, Beirut.

Absorbing the familiar feel of Beirut's biggest tourist attraction, Sale7 got seated at the reasonably crowded Le Petit Cafe. With music on full blast at M7md 3abdu's songs, and the uncomfortable hustle of the waiters, he tried to suck everything in with a deep inhale of the smoke of different Sheesha Flavors, followed by a rejuvenating exhale to balance everything in his system.
Whilst tipping the waiter, Sale7 ordered his usual 'two apples' m3assal, with a glass full of ice to accompany his can of Pepsi. He, then, set his sights on the tables nearby and examined every face, every piece of clothing and every beauty surrounding him.
Solidaire was, as usual, bustling with life. Pretty gals, mostly Saudi, filling up the center attraction of this city. And Sale7 wasn't complaining, he didn't mind some eye candy.

As he puffed rich, white, apple flavored, smoke through the atmosphere, he heard the starting tunes of a once favored song. Tunes that he wished he wouldn't listen to again. Tunes that particularly raised his emotions. Especially in Lebanon, especially in Solidaire.
He listened as the tunes soon collaborated with words and became a perfect portrayal of him and his past and present and maybe his distant future.

The song.

1/6/2009 20:20
Downtown, Beirut.

"Sale7, Chenni De5t." Said the soundly synced voice of Layla.
Sale7 Returned. "Shasaweelech?, Tawha Ma 9arat Tes3, O Ana Emmazejj 7aleyyan Ma3a BuNourah O Sheeshtee, Fa Ma 3alaiich Amer, Bakammel Tamzeejtee."
"Enzain Banam, Walla De5t! Yalla 3ad Sallou77."
"Tara Ana el Dala3 el Zayed Hathaa, Ma Yamshee 3endee, Tabeen Tamsheen?, Ka Aku Malyoun Taxi, 20 Dollar o Ywaddeech el She88a" Sale7 replied saracastically.
"Bess enta Tadree, Ya A5 9ale7, el 7abeeb, Ennee Ana Ma A3arf Anaam ellaa 3ala Karshetekk" She replied with an increased pitch in her voice.
"9ij?" Rhetorically.
"Ee yuba, T3awwadt 3ala karshetekk hathe"
"Enzain Layla, bess t5ale9 hal e3'neyaa namshe, Ok 7abeebtee?"
As she rested her head on his shoulder, Layla whispered, "Sale7, tara a7ibbik"
With a long kiss on her head, he replied gently "Wana akthar!"



As a tear began to build up, Sale7 fixated his sight at the people pilgriming The Solidaire, showing off their lavish clothing and sparkly accessories. Reminiscing on the possibilities that followed that heavenly night. The innocence that engulfed it and her. 'A touch of majestic brilliance' as he always described her.
The more he thought of that particular moment of time, the more pain seemed to choke his own breath. That moment, that summed up her. Just Her. Layla.
Memories began to flood.


15/7/2009
EddeSands, Jubail.

At the famous beach, a large percentage of the attendance were model-like beauties. Layla sensed her heart sinking into her chest as a hint of jealousy started to unease her presence. She forgot to acknowledge her lengthy hours at the gym, her slim figure and the eyes turning at the sight of her entrance to the pool area with a very short overall that covered a soon-to-bewilder red bikini.
She clasped Sale7's hand as she picked two beach chairs and got seated after arranging the towels.
Layla took off her overall and lied down on the extended chair to get comfortable under the sun. She, then, began to oil herself with the suntan and caught a glimpse of Sale7 staring at her.
"Shfeek T6ale3 Chithee?!"
"I'm stunned?!"
"Laish Balla?, Feeh Shay 3'ala6 Shaklee?!" Layla said as she was checking herself for faults"
"Perfection" He replied with utter confidence that surprised her.
"3asa Allah La Ya7remnee Mennekk"


Hidden tears followed.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

88%!

They Say I Passed!
Well; Actually I Passed ..
El 7amdelela; I never imagined I'll get this much with the effort i gave in; Which is next to nothing!
Thank God .. O Inshalla I'll do well in life and make my parents Proud ..

Friday, August 6, 2010

Destination; Beirut



Am Heading to Beirut Tomorrow.
That's it.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Horizon

It was just an ordinary stroll took by 'him' along the beach. No pre-walk plans, no scheduled timings ahead of it. Nothing. Just a thought about walking, that triggered the actual stroll.
Alone.

He did believe that a person should take a few hours off his surroundings and have some moments for himself. The thing is that, most of his hours were to himself already. Nobody asking about him, and not reaching out to anyone. Just him and himself.

He started off alongside the approaching water. Barefooted. Feeling the coldness stored by the sea throughout the months of the summer sun.
Almost sensing that the sea is trying to show off it's successful efforts in withholding the cold temperature in it. But then he remembered how, he had the same coldness in him, despite of the heated events around him. He seized feelings.
He felt that, just thinking about those incidents a couple of months ago, he can collapse on the cold waves.

His sight transfixed towards the sky. That black canvas, glittered with countless stars. He recognized that sighting, he related to it. But couldn't figure out exactly how did he know it.
Suddenly, his chest ached. A wave of pain, rushed through his body. A sign. He then realized.
His heart. That black blank shape above of him was an exact portrayal of his own source of living.
That organ was black, enlightened by three stars, three loves.
Nothing else.

The stillness of that night scared him. Terrified him. The stillness took over the ever-increasing tone of the waves.

He sat down for a while, resting his tired body after that long walk. Looking out at the horizon. Noticing the minute, newborn rays of the rising sun peeking out of the stretched length of the sea.
The sea was growing fiercer every little moment.

He lied down on the moistening sand. Impressed by the breath-taking rise of the sun, the fast growth of light rays. Contemplating the opening of a new blank 'white' page. A virgin start.

Just as the exhilarating thoughts began rushing through his head, he saw a massive wave approaching steadily towards him. A similar one building up in his chest, hurting every muscle of his body.

He Laid on his back in an attempt to brush the, now, excruciating pain out of his system. Closing his eyes fooling his body into sleep.

The wave washed him, and resided back to it's sea.

Not to open his eyes again.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Jumeirah Beach Residence

Yes, Im in Dubai!
How fast things can go is scary.
Not only that, after a few hours I'll be heading back to Kuwait after exactly one week staying in the mostly humid, outrageously high rising city of Dubai.
And, oh yes, I enjoyed every moment of it.
From the seemingly endless hours of reading Jeffery Deaver's thrillers in Movenpick's lobby to the brilliantly unscripted magical moments with my best friend and his cousin and his my best friend's father.
Great moments, really!

And oh, let me mention something. I've never seen as much knees, yes knees, in one place as much as Dubai.
el wa9'3 Sebeeeeeeeeeeel ..
You'd think you're in Europe, if not for the unmistakable gulf weather and the frequent Arabic inscriptions on the road signs.
Other than that, Knock your fuckin self out.

Not to mention, yesterday's venture to the hotel's last 'Party' before Ramadhan. The drinking, smoking and dancing was all new territory for me.
And No, rest assured, I didnt experiment.

This week, along with the tons of photos I personally took, shouldn't be forgotten, as it is really a refresher and a soothing way to prepare us, me and my bestie, for the IGCSE results upcoming on the 12th of next month.
Shit!

Anyways, I really enjoyed this.
And also, I really miss my beloved Kuwait.
Now let me go finish the remaining 35 chapters of Rajaa Al Sanea's Girls of Riyadh, that I am really Savoring and Relishing, and aiming to finish before reaching Kuwait.

Friday, July 9, 2010

ABK'er




Our trip to Lebanon have been cancelled, and the annoying fragments of boredom have been increasing by the millisecond.
So, with the great intervention acted out by Ma Mere, she, so surprisingly, got me a summer job with The Ahli Bank of Kuwait.

The nice thing about the flawed job is that, I would wake up everyday at 6:30, take a refreshing shower, slip into the already prepared and incensed dishdasha, put on, so gratefully, my 3'etra and wake up my dad to deliver to the Head office of the Bank.
Not to metion, my agonizing footwear which consists of some kind of pointy shoes, made apparently to annoy the wearer of such item.

Although yesterday just marked my 3rd day of a 3-week journey at the bank, I noticed the absolute lack of work I was handed.
I'd just sit behind a person who at that moment hates his life, and to increase his frustration, I'm added to the equation, and he would, oh so unmannerly, teach me the arts of such job.
At only my third day, I noted that most of them would give up on me, and just spill their miseries to my listening and comprehending ear. They would, excusably, talk about their regrets, and how they hate their job. How they wished they would continue their studies, and have a better job. Their talks have a lot of needed advice to me. I'm always listening and handing a consolable word or two. But most of them just fucked up.

And the clients, well most of them have petty problems and just need to acknowledge the existence of the World Wide Web and actually learn how to solve them, whilst the others do just worry about the couple of thousands of Dinars in their bank account. The costumers are good, Sh7alat-hum, a lot of them come with a good-hearted will.

The thing that is shocking, is the amount of commissions charged at each and every transaction. Dinars and Dinars are wasted from costumers and clients on very easy transactions. And the more shocking thing is that almost all of these commissions can be played around and dealt with, with no single Fils wasted.

The Bank is actually good, the beautiful thing about it is that most of the people working have a good aroma and presence. No air of hatred or bad charisma.

3-days, and more of this is actually noted but forgotten right now.

Now the question is, should I mention the name of the bank or is it unprofessional from my part. I seem to be very critical in this post. I'm almost imagining the manager actually calling me up to her office demanding an explanation for this post. But, then again, Its not like my blog is the most read thing in Kuwait!

gonna Post it!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Cancelled

Due to off topic reasons

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

And Again!

Its like history is repeating itself.
I'm heading to Lebanon, again by car, on the 2nd or 3rd.
The thing is, this time, I'm not really looking forward for the trip. I mean, I realised that travelling to Lebanon with just the family, is somewhat boring.
I'm a 16 year old.
I need my freedom, my fun. My Older brother won't come, my older sister won't come. I'm stuck with my parents, and *Younger sisters.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, on the contrary, thank God I have the opportunity to actually travel. But. It can be much more fun with cousins, friends.

This time for the road trip, I will be much more equipped as I learned from my past experience.
Essentials;
- Ipod
- A readable Book
- Flash Light
- A Good Cushion
- Camera

I really hope, I'd enjoy this trip.
I know that I adore Lebanon, its weather, people, girls! Everything.
I just need something to make me feel less than an actual prisoner.

I hope my dad would let me drive through this treacherous trip, I need some fun for God's sake!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

UmSalem!

My one and only.
The candle that lights my family.
The smile that melts my heart.
The hug, that solves everything.
The innocent kiss, that I need, I just need for me to complete my day efficiently.
The talks, the surprisingly intriguing talks, that richen my heart with joy, pride and unlimited love.

UmSalem, I Can't sum her up in a post. Hell, she can never be summed up.

She owns one of those rarely found hearts, that never explored evilness. A heart that is absolutely free of hatred. A heart that never holds any grudges.
A heart that literally pours unconditional kindness.

The happiness that I naturally possess during her presence, the satisfactory feeling that I gain by just knowing that she's there, right next to me, playing with her medallion on the ground.

An example of a pure creation.

Allah Ya7fe9' E5tee Lee; O Y5alleehaa Doum Salmaa; O Mestansa; O Met-hanya!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Is There Someone?

A thought stroked my mind today, a pleasant one I must admit.
What if there was someone, an anonymous someone, that cared for me, had a crush on me, liked me?, without me knowing.
What if there was someone, that is missing me terribly? wishing to talk to me but didn't pick up enough courage to do so?
No, I'm not a paranoid person, that just thinks about himself, that is actually that self-centred to think that way, but its just a thought!, What if?

I'm always used to have my own, one-sided crushes that rarely worked but this thought changed the balance of the whole situation.
I'm not insinuating that I currently know of, somebody who has a 'crush' on me, I'm just writing what's on my mind. Bluntly and absent-mindedly! A thought that I thought is quite interesting!

-----------

On a very different note, I'm well into my holiday, and its going quite well. I didnt start 'reading' the thing, Bess I'm reading this novel that's nice by a so-called 'Ken Follett ', and a lot of things are surprisingly occupying me. Something I do appreciate, as I really despise the state of boredom that hit me on holidays!

-----------
Also, I would like to Salute FourMe on her strength and great will that is admirable on all stages by me and other people. She's such a powerful person.
Allah Yshafeeha; O Ya7meeha .. O Ya36eeha el 9e77a Wel 3afyaa o 6oulat el 3umr!

And Anony; I really Can't express enough their effect on me.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Finished!

I'm actually finished. Finished. FINISHED!
FINISHEDDDD
I Can't Believe it; absorb it?; I'm actually finished.
No more school; No more School!; No More School!
I can't imagine my self school-less! I just Can't.
My Life?
11 years; Every day of the eleven years; I've been going to that School.
And Now .. Poof .. It's Finished.

I Can't Sense Freedom!
I can't feel freedom!
I've been told that these are bitter-sweet moments!
I don't Find any Sweetness; NONE!

I'll miss it!
I'll miss my friends, and not the ones that I'm close to; NO .. The ones that I just say 'Hi' to. Those are the ones that make it better!
I'll miss the teachers!; No more endless conversations of Non-School related topics.
No more shit singing in the corridors!
No more 'Good Mornings' To smiling people!
Shit!

I just can't comprehend it!
I'm Finished!

I don't like this feeling!
I don't like change!

Baq9am; Has left the Campus :(!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Did I Do a Mistake?

The occasional doubt is kicking in again! Since I realised that I'm actually an agnostic person, I stopped praying due to the obvious reason. But I miss it, I really do.
Although it was just an 'exercise', the impact it has on my life proved to be apparent. The satisfaction you get after each prayer, and the relief you experience is what anybody would long for. Who doesn't want a constant feel of relief, 5 times a day, 7 day a week and so on.
Also, the fact that I'm constantly lying to my mum, is nerve-wrecking. I hate seeing myself deceive my mother. She expects me to pray, and I need to pray, bess for God; Mu 7agha.
The question is; Did I do a mistake by stopping my prayers?
Should I be praying even though, I'm in an extreme state of doubt.

The good thing is that by Saturday, I'll be starting my quest, by reading Tafseer el 8ur2an; something I really am looking forward to.

Monday, May 31, 2010

5ayeff!

A worry has been eating me up these days. What if I didn't do enough? What if I fail my Ig's or not bring up the grades I was aiming for?
Something that's completely factual and is of utter truth is that I didn't work hard for these grades, I didn't study hard enough, I didn't care enough.
These moments of my life are supposed to be one the most strenuous and gruelling times of my life, where the sole reason of my existence are the books and my head wouldn't part these textbooks a couple of milliseconds.
But, I'm not any of this. I'm taking the whole Ig's thing very lightly. I'm not studying like I supposed to be, Oh, why the present tense? I didn't study like I was supposed to.
My Ig's finish on the 11th and I have finished 5 subjects forever in my high school career which are Maths, Physics, English 2nd Language, Arabic 2nd Language and Geography. And I have 4 subjects left with different papers which are; Biology, Chemistry, economics and lastly English 1st Language.
Let me go through each of the 9 subject one by one and explain to me my situation, should I be that worried?

1- Maths; Oh well, this subject is the only one that I got tuition for, and I think I did good. I had a good understanding of the subject and came out of both papers with an unconcerned nature and that's comforting, Right? Well yes, it was one of the easiest exams ever in the Ig History. But the thing with maths, is that the grades are unpredictable and the silly mistakes are counted by the millions, so its considerably a matter of luck.
Another thing, that is a bit worrying, is that just last night, I dreamt about my maths grade and it turned out that I got an E. Very realistic dream that made me very happy when I woke up of the dream.

2- Physics; Oh, Physics' paper 3, The hardest and most graded paper, was extremely hard and made me very uncomfortable. I'm very pessimistic with this subject after that particular paper and I think I'm going to fail this one.

3- English 2nd Language; Inshalla A!

4- Arabic 2nd Language; If I didn't get an A*, I need, either to be admitted to a mental hospital or commit suicide!

5- Geography; Well I entered all three paper with minimal studying and just with my greatly self-admired attribute of me, my common sense. I think I did good and at least a C would be sufficient for my pleasing.

6- Biology; I did 2 papers out of 3, and they were to a certain extent good; I still didn't do the multiple choice which I'm currently fearing due to my lack of studying. I also need to be very thankful that the hardest paper of this subject turned out to be another geography exam which was nice.

7- Chemistry; NO COMMENT; I Have the hard paper coming up, I think I'm going to Fail it :(; I should do some past papers but Im not!

8- Economics; I just need to learn the supply-demand graph; But i still yet to learn it; Fuck me!

9- English 1st Language; I missed out on yesterday's 4 hour revision lesson; I also think I'm going to at most get a C from this exam.

Extremely Boring post; I even bored myself writing it; Oh well I guess its a post for me to read after I get disastrous results on August; and just regret my, not even funny, lack of studying.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Faster Than a Ferrari?

Fast.
Time is running with ferocious velocity and it't accelerating by the second.
Everybody is noticing this; seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades are flying by unnoticed, unappreciated.
I don't like it.

I hate that time is becoming of passive importance amongst a lot of people. People just don't understand the concept of it nor do they pay it enough attention, I don't even understand it. But what's really obvious and almost all of us are oblivious about is that time is escaping.

Where is it?

Yesterday, just yesterday was new year's eve.
before yesterday was the day I opened this blog, oh and by the way, before yesterday is Average's first birthday.

How is it like that?
What makes like that?
How can I Saviour the moments of joy, pride, happiness and even sadness?
How can I remember all of these feelings, all of these momories that are fading from my mind by the minute?

I hate that I have a bad memory, I hate that I can't remember everything, especially the good and funny stuff of my life.
I envy people that can remember joyful moments and just laugh at them and admire them whilst I can't do that.

Funny enough, one of the only things that makes me look forward for judgement day is the fact that I can remember absolutely everything that happened in my life. I'd probably don't want that at the time due to my heavy sins and very little deeds, but right now, that's one of the things that makes me assured and content.

Returning to our present, Where is time? Why is it in such a dangerous hurry?

I don't want to blink and another year passes by, I really don't.

This frightening speed taken up by time belittles life on Earth, it just makes it very insignificant.
What's life?
Just several decades of joy and agony that is all summed up under Earth. Whether rich or poor, whether good or bad, we're all heading for the same direction.
And that's scary, Is there something afterwards?
Will we be remembered in a good way?
Will we survive the hereafter?

Time is an extremely interesting subject. It's just so enlightening and acts like a lesson every time you think about it. It moralizes a human being and makes him understand the importance of life or its unimportance. Such an effective way of teaching a lesson.

I know that with a blink of an eye, I'll remember writing this, a month from now or even a year, or even a decade, and think about it exactly the same.

"Time proved to be Faster than a Ferrari" ..

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Conscience or Image?

Am I fearing a ruined image of me? Or is it really my conscience?
I currently believe that I'm tricking myself into believing that it's actually my conscience whilst what I have come to realise is that I cant tolerate me being talked about in a bad way.
I despise that.
I lack confidence.

I made a wrong decision, Who doesn't? I think I made wrong decisions forever.
But, never were these decisions questioned nor even noticed.
Whilst this particular decision I decided mere 2 days ago was to some extent public. This decision is making people, I think, question my goodness.

Well the question is, Do I really possess goodness?
I always wonder why a big number of 'good' people that gain power, turn out to be bad eventually with the influence of power and money.
I also thought that whenever I gain any sort of power, I would not gain advantage from nor misuse it.
But, on a minute scale, I got that power, and instantaneously I made the wrong decision with no hesitation, with no consideration and with no ethics whatsoever.

The scary thing is that, I didn't come to realise that I made a mistake until I knew people were dealing with it and talking about it. When I realised that my 'goodness' is being questioned and a bad spot have been entered into my 'allegedly' sparkly white files.

How many mistakes did I do?
How many moments of power did I possess and let somebody down?

Is my feeling of guilt a product of my supposed fear from that question of goodness or is it really my conscience hurting me?

Its not a nice feeling to be in, hating being in your own skin, but I do have a glimpse of satisfaction, as me realising this aspect of my life is comforting and assuring.
Maybe I'll think more next time, maybe I'll value these powerful moments I have and maybe if I do a mistake, my real conscience will alarm me, not the tongues of people.

Or maybe not!