Sunday, December 14, 2014

To A New Chapter

Well, what can I say? I wrote a blog post more than four years ago declaring my intent to head to the U.S. and study Civil Engineering. The thought back then was exciting and scary. I was leaving Kuwait at 16 years old, studying something I have no interest for ad beginning a new chapter of my life.

Four years on, and here I am. A graduate. A civil engineer. But then again, here I am, excited and scared, unbeknown to me what's upcoming in my future endeavors. Lost.

I am thankful. I am grateful for the last four years of friendships, experiences and adventures. Low times and high times. Fun mixed with intellect. New beliefs, ideologies, approaches towards life and excellent education. I know more about myself more than anytime before. I understand the way I think and behave, and I've got a good grip of how I deal with things. I know what I can do and what I can't. I think I know my worth and the person I am going to be 50 years on.

It was a positive experience, for sure. But. There is always a but. But, I have no idea. I know myself but I don't really know what I want. I want more. I didn't suffice my desire for more. I'm not that bored of this life. I'm not fully satisfied. I do not want to leap that leap, from irresponsibility to adulthood. I'm still a youngster who needs more guidance and help, more intellect to make me surer and of greater value to myself and my close circle.

And I still lack that one thing. Love. That elated entity which I cherish with no avail. I have not that.

Now, reality. I'm a civil engineer, who hates civil engineering. Well, it's not complete hate. There is some love towards the profession, but it certainly doesn't define me. I won't allow it to define me. I'm an engineer, yes, but I'm a shitty one with no passion for it whatsoever. Yes, I do know about concrete columns and steel beams. I know about secondary treatment in a wastewater treatment facility, or the elements of the cross-section of masonry wall. There are also good soils and bad soils to be built upon. But, I have no interest whatsoever.

And this place. America. What a country! The people, the places, but I still didn't use it up. I want more. Whether here, or somewhere else. I have potential. I can do better, much better.

I still have three more exams and three more reports to do and submit before I'm officially done. The graduation was merely ceremonial, but it's all coming to an end. Suddenly. I've looked forward towards it. I think I spent most of my days in the last 2 & 1/2 years (the period which I realized that I can really do it and graduate) living my days with the intent that this time would finally arrive, and now that it did really arrive, I'm suddenly scared and wishing for more.

Let me explain this better. The fact that I can return from school, throw my bag, change into comfy PJs and crash on the couch with nothing to think about whatsoever is absolutely priceless. The friends around. The irresponsibility, the carelessness, the independence. Why would I want that to end?

I did have stressful weeks. Days which I spend more than 14 hours in the university engrossed completely in work or low times when the mood is depressing. But they were all compensated by bouts of laughter or acts of unorthodox nature. This is just to remind myself that this was a wonderful period of my life, and although I forgot many details, the goodness is to be remembered and memorized.

I went through a lot and I was carried by very loyal friends. People who spent years, literally years, to help me out and carry me out of my slump of carelessness. And I did it. I passed the finish line.

This leads to nothing, because I really have no idea what's next. Do I want to return or stay? Do I continue? Should I? What's certain is that I'll miss this, regardless of my future decision.

Thank you. Thank me.

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